Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Life after war against Melanoma

We fought a war.  A war from our own home.  Life was good, really good and then you get the call.  It's cancer.  That is when we knew we were in a fight against something we knew nothing about.  It's scary to even think about.  Cancer, Melanoma.  We knew NOTHING about Melanoma and what we found out scared the hell out of us.  At the time, there were only two treatments approved for Melanoma.  So here we are faced to fight something we can not see, something we know nothing about and something that offers very few treatment options. 

I felt powerless against it.  I had to find out more about the enemy called Melanoma.  I researched everything I could find on Melanoma.  I didn't find much in a bookstore so I took to the internet and there is where I developed the battle plan.  The more you know about your enemy, the better prepared you are to take on a battle.  I read article after article about Melanoma.  I joined a Melanoma Patients forum and spoke to people battling and got to know their experiences.  I read about current clinical trials that were going on for Melanoma.  The battle plan began to form. 

For the next three years, I watched as the beast (Melanoma as we call it) attacked my husband.  It's as if your loved one is being attacked by an invisible beast.  I watched as he is attacked time after time. You go through each day thinking what will be next, where will the beast strike him next. So I had to take up armor. I couldn't let this beast hurt my husband or take him from me.  It seemed as if weapon after weapon wasn't working and I'm watching my husband get attacked to death. Then there came the day when I had no more weapons left. I had used them all and we were out of ammo. All I could do is hold him and comfort him as the beast continued to attack him. This lasted for two months until the day. That awful day. The beast took his life and I couldn't save him.

Yes, he's no longer suffering.  He's in a better place.  That should make everything better, but it doesn't.  I mean yes, I'm glad he's not suffering that's not what I mean.  You probably wouldn't understand unless you had gone through it yourself.  It's a contradiction in so many ways.  There were times I wanted God to take him so he wouldn't suffer, then I'm angry because God took him. 

You may think I've forgotten him or that I've moved on and I'm doing so well.  I haven't forgotten.  I will never forget.  As far as moving on, well what option do I have?  The pain is still there and it's very deep.  In some ways I've let the beast win because he's taken a part of me too.  Part of me died with Eric that day.  Eric wouldn't want this for me.  This pain I have.  So I'm beginning to take up armor again.  I'm fighting to win back my freedom from this pain.

1 comment:

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